Narrator: (zooms to nerd getting picked on at the quad with people pointing at him) Have you ever been called a loser, nerd, party pooper, loner or the increasingly disturbing.. (flashes scene of guy with nice smile. a girl walks away, obscuring the camera and then revealing the guy with a nice tortured smile) nice guy or nice girl? Do you get shuffled aside because you're a minority or ignored because you're boringly white? (flash bush pic with x and buzzer sound) Don't you wish Bush was no longer president? (show tombstone) Do you feel that dying forever is bad and (someone pops up behind tombstone happy) being alive is pretty neat, except for the fact that your (he's sad now) life sucks?
(zooms to Narrator with shiny, nearly fake-looking face speaking): Boy have we the solution for you! (zooms to logo) Be part of Cryopimp and in what may seem to be hours, you will have dozens of suitors kissing your ass, and paying for it! Experts predict that after Cryopimp, you'll be loved by all nations and races. Here's how it works. First you will be evaluated for your ideal setting. (girl holding calculator shying away from people going into a dark room and glowing) You might have a thing for intelligent women, shy and unbelievably nice women.. women who glow in the dark? (zooms to donkey) Maybe you're a very devout democrat. (anime?) Maybe you want an affordable billion pixel monitor, or the ability to fly. The sky's the limit, or is it (duh duh duh). Secondly, you will be frozen with our unpatented Cryofreeze method. We have a lifetime guarantee that you will be safely frozen. Third, we will wait until your proper conditions are met and technology permitting, thaw you out so you can enjoy your paradise. Call 1-800-CRY-PIMP. That's 1-800-CRY-PIMP. Order today and you'll get a free lot at our own Storage subsidary, the (zooms in and out dizzyingly of a storage facility) Cryo-lot. That's a thousand cubic feet to store anything you'd want. Cryopimp, it's the future,... tomorrow.
(during credit rolls) Warning!: (zooms to people in the stages of freezage) side effects may include vomiting, anachronistic delusions, post-apocalyptic exposure, nerve malfunctions, nostalgia, death, and being followed by a team of scientists and historians everywhere you go.